Why Cant I Just Print My Own Stimulus Money?

All the recent talk about the American economy falling into a massive and long-lived recession has me very confused. It’s not that I don’t understand the pain that often accompanies recessions of this magnitude, because I know all too well how hard it is to make ends meet while prices at the grocery store, gun shop and liquor store soar while prices for everything else plummet. No, my confusion stems from the government’s response to this recession. It seems to me that Mr. Hank Paulson and Mr. Ben Bernanke are making things much more difficult than they need to be, and I want to offer to give them a helping hand to dig us out of this recession. Call it my first act of “National Service,” for our brave new leaders, if you will.

I first realized that I could be of service to Messrs. Bernanke and Paulson on Wednesday. Mr. Paulson had just finished informing the American people that he was going to single-handedly divert the remainder of the 700 billion dollars that Congress had graciously given him from its intended purpose (buying worthless mortgage debt) in order to buy up securities backed by worthless credit card debt, student loans and auto loans. It is clear that some divine oracle recently visited Mr. Paulson and informed him that the entire U.S. economy will be better served if this money buys up different (though equally worthless) asset-backed securities. If only the rest of us poor hapless Americans had access to this divine economic oracle as well!

As you can imagine, Mr. Paulson had been forced to make a very difficult decision, because Congress had only given him 700 billion dollars. For those of us on “Main Street,” I suppose the decision was rather analogous to our having to choose between buying a new pair of work boots or a new winter coat, when we only have 50 dollars in our wallets. If only there were more money in our wallets, we could purchase both items. The same is true for Mr. Paulson as well; if that niggardly and penny-pinching Congress had only given him more money, he could have bought both types of worthless securities. And, let’s face it, when you are trying to make the worst investment in the history of mankind, you can never have enough worthless assets!

[Source: War On You

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